The Top Things I Do Miss

  

Yes, yes, yes it’s been a while since I was last here.  You know every time I go to my therapy appointment, one of the first question that’s always asked of me is “do you have any regrets” or thing you miss about your decision.  And overall I can answer “not really”.  But there are some things that I do miss sometimes about my past.  So here is my top ten things I miss about being a dude.

1. I miss not having to smile all the time.  Yes, there nothing wrong with a guy not smiling, they’re just deep in thought or something.  Now, everyone tells you “you need to smile more”.  Sometimes I am really am deep in thought though.
2. I find myself constantly apologizing for everything.  I’m not sure why I do this actually, but it just happens.
3. I definitely miss having more time to spend with my kids!!!
4. When I have to move my desk or anything heavy, no problem, not so much now.  I always have to ask for help.
5. There are sometimes I really wish I wasn’t so damn emotional!  I’m not sure if my emotional churning is from he hormones or what.  I’m still getting use to this constant upheaval and learning how to control it instead of them controlling me!!
6. The head nod!!  Guys have this non verbal head nod that you do as your passing by someone.  It tells them “hey, how’s it going dude” all with a nod.  Yeah now, you gotta say something so you don’t look like a stuck up b**tch.  And I’m definitely not that, but I do miss the easy of the nod!!
7. I miss the easy grooming routine sometimes.  Don’t want to shave one morning, no problem, the stable look is in!  Try getting away with wearing a skirt without shave the forest on your legs!!
8. Trying to pick out the perfect outfit can be a chore sometimes when I go to work.  Before, ah, blue pants or black and pick one of 4 color shirts and walla, instant outfit!  But on the flit side, I have a lot more choices to express myself and my mood!  Lol!!
9. Not having to wear panty hose!!!  OMG what guy invented this torture device!!  They look nice on, but wrestling these damn things on really is a hassle!!
10. And the top ten thing I do miss, and I hate to say this to loadly, relieving thyself from the upright position!!!  Yes folks, there are sometimes I would just love to drop a zip and relieve!!

Well, there you have it!  The only things I could think of!!  I definaltely made the right decision for myself.   But the one thing I have learned through all of this past two years.  Neither men or women are any better or worse than the other!  I think we spend way to much time trying to put others down for one reason or another.  Women are weaker, men are to dominating or whatever.  I know that there are things I can do now that I think are better than my former life.  I think there were parts of my former life that were more advantageous and made my life easier.  But I don’t really look at it like that at all.  I sorta think we should all celebrate our differences and respect everyone else’s differences.  Maybe some day everyone will figure out that as a nation we are so much stronger for our diversity instead of fearing the diversity!!

Oh well!  Back to reality and another day of basketball!!  Gooooo Cats!!!

Why Do So Many People Have to Hate!

Folks, I have not put much out there regarding the hate mongering that seems to be exploding lately. And in this context I’m talking about the politicians and really mis informed people out there that are up in arms about everything doing with Transgender people.

In the recent months we are seeing an increase in transgender suicides, the number of transgender people killed by others this year (and it’s only February) is I believe 8 the last I counted and the number of pieces of anti-transgender legislations has exploded!! So here’s me on my soap box folks, I’m getting pissed off!! All of these issues have one thing in common…IGNORANCE and hate!! There is no other rational explanation!!

The thing that has just absolutely outraged me to no end today, is my own state of Kentucky passing a so called bathroom privacy law. And I know some of my friends out there are going to say something like, well I can sorta see their point of view, and I’m going to say to you all, NO!! No, there is no justification for smugly going out proclaiming that we have to “protect our women folk” when that is not what they are doing. These people are out screaming that if we don’t make transgender people use their birth assigned bathroom, then we are going to see perverts claiming to be Trans just to prey upon others. But here’s the thing, if you ask any one of these nimrods for an example of this happening they won’t have one instance to give you. Why, because it has never happened, not in any place, no where at any time!! That’s the bottom line, it has N E V E R happened!!

Here’s a big secret I’ll share with folks out there that may have some confusion about this, when Trans folks use a bathroom…I have to whisper this because it is a big secret…it’s because we have to use the damn BATHROOM!! Oh, and it is because if I were to have to use a male bathroom, I’d have a greater chance of being physically assaulted by some bigot or even sexually assaulted by some pervert. Hey, but I’m sure these folks out there pushing this trash legislation probably don’t care.

Here’s another consideration, if any of these law makers or misinformed people really are concerned about perverts getting into bathrooms, well then let them (the pervert) transition. I guarantee you that any pervert out there who is taking estrogen for a couple months, they are probably not going to be much of a sexual predator, maybe more emotional but that’s about it. I’m saying this disingenuously because like I said before, there has never been any case of a sexual assault by any transgender person or any person purporting to be transgender.

And why does this concern me so much? Well because one of the most traumatic parts of transitioning was getting over the fear of using the bathroom, any bathroom for that matter. Early on, I would literally walk to another building to search out a single stall, gender neutral bathroom because it was to uncomfortable, and terrifying, using the wrong restroom. And when I could not find that gender neutral bathroom and had to use the restroom, I would literally freeze if anyone else came into the bathroom after me. Yeah, now I can laugh about this, but back then you’d actually literally freeze mid pee!

And just to add one thing, the first person who suggests that this was my choice to go through this, I may come through this internet and slap you silly…it’s not a choice!!

All that I am saying to my friends out there, don’t be taken in by some slick politicians bag of BS. There is no secret agenda to corrupt or attack unsuspecting women or girls out there. We just want to pee!! It is said that ignorance is bliss, but in this case it is not!! Ignorance is ignorance! Just because people don’t understand me or any other transgender person, it’s not a reason to fear or be uncomfortable. I, we, you, us…we are all just wanting to live our lives. I’m not a bad person, not a weird person, not a freak and not even sick or disturbed person. I’m just me, just trying to live and be the best person I can be. Let me pee in peace, I’ll do the same for you!!

Oh yeah, this bill was originally defeated but the author repackaged and renamed the bill and it passed along party line!!

Some Time Little Changes Make Big Differences

It’s been a while and times certainly has marched on with some interesting changes that have made some big differences. So what profound changes have happened you might ask??

Ha, wouldn’t you like to know! Oh, yeah that’s the purpose of writing this I guess. So at work things were going I guess, not to great, not to bad. Which in my life is actually a good thing! But where I had a interim boss, now I have a permanent boss who seems pretty cool. Time will tell but having someone permanent has defiantly changed things for the better. It’s given me some hope and a second wind. Which I guess shows through to others I work with. I’ve had a couple people do double takes when I give talks or presentations. A few say that I seem to have more passion and confidence, which I guess is true. I’m not sure if it’s because of the change in bosses or that I finally reached a don’t give a shit time.

This is the next change I’ve made for myself, well to a degree I guess. I’ve been a bit more passive as an administrator and I’ve seen people starting to pass me by. I’m not really happy with that and I’m going to fight like hell to change that. Over the years I’ve developed a lot of experience and instinct when it come to managing people and resources. And quite frankly I’m tired of people that don’t have a clue acting like they do and others buying it. So my opinion is going to be heard and I’m going to make people hear it.

Which brings me to my balance act!! What’s to balance, well social expectations. This comes into play when I want to be heard and others try to talk over me…because of being a woman. And this is where the balancing comes in, I can’t be to forceful or I’ll get the “bitch” label. Having not had the years to fully adjust to the societal expectations for woman, I frequently wonder at what point does one cross the line into the “bitch zone”. In a recent meeting with some very high level folks, I was presenting some information only to be cut off by someone before I finished. When they finished talking and tried to start a different dialogue I cut them off to finish my thought. And it was an important point so I didn’t think I was out of line, but one of my colleagues brought it to my attention after the meeting. Ugh, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, we need a woman’s owners manual. This shit will drive you insane sometimes!!!!

But what ever the reason for my change in attitude, I’m actually liking it. I’ve just got to keep it up and really impress my new boss, and everyone else to. To paraphrase a line from a famous movie, rest in peace Patrick Swayze, “No one puts baby in a corner”!!!

Lol, I guess I did have something on my mind after all!! To my friends in and around Kentucky and in every other state under the “big chill”, stay warm my friends!!

How Cruel Can People Be, let me tell you how!!

So today’s story takes place yesterday, the names of the folks involved are not included, because quit frankly I don’t want their name mentioned again.

We start this weird as heck story two days ago when a friends sister comes for a surprise visit to see my friend. I’ve known a bit about this person from stories but always thought, they can’t be that bad. Man was I wrong about this assumption!! So this person is pretty over bearing, especially when intoxicated. The first night was ok with only a couple little uncomfortable situations.

Oh, one last thing before we dive into the rest of this, this person knew of my past and purported to be very supportive. I’d later find that support to be only applicable when everything went the way she wanted.

Now back to the story, the second night was the weird part. Everything went fine until late in the night when the sister became extremely drunk! Then all hell broke loose!! At first I was not the target of her obnoxious behavior but that soon changed when I spoke up and defended my friend from her attacks, mainly personal mindless attacks. When I jumped in and asked her to shut up and go to sleep, well the cross hairs changed. One insult after another. How stupid I was, how naive I was, how much of a joke I was and the insults kept pouring out. As is usually my demeanor, I take a lot to avoid confrontation, but after literally three hours of this, well and the fact I found her searching my purse, I decided to pack things up and leave where she was (a motel room by the way). Then the insults turned into threats of disclosing all sorts of stuff about me. I’m finding this is a favorite tactic of some people, they think that threatening to out a transgender person will strike fear and then submission I guess. After trying to reason with her, and by the way, reasoning with a totally intoxicated person is futile. Their mouth seems to go into some quasi warp speed making it impossible for them to stop and think about what they are saying. Anyway, I end up calling the police, after all it was my name on the room register. The police show up to escort this person out, which is the point when threats turned to mindless attacks again. When the police show up I’m repeatedly reminded that they are police “men” and the pronouns turn to describing me as “he”, “him” and my wrong name. And yes during this time I’m completely embarrassed and the police are eyeing me over and checking my identification. Luckily, I guess I don’t live in a really conservative place like Texas or something where the police might have acted less professional! But after the dust settles, I got to sleep in my comfy heated room, where the sister…well she slept in her car. The hotel refused to rent her a room and the police let her know if she started her car, she’d be arrested. But even after that I had to listen to this freak yelling in the parking lot at the top of her voice, about how I look like a guy and that I’m not fooling anyone and an assorted array of other colorful niceties!!

The moral to this little gem of a weekend, first, even after your accepted for the gender you are, there are plenty of people who will use your past as a weapon to hurt you. Second, stay away from drunk people, they’re just to unpredictable!! And lastly, it just plain hurts being reminded of your past, when that past was living as the wrong gender!

Suicide is Painless?

So I’m sitting here three days into the new year and so far there has been two news accounts of transgender teenagers in the news after committing suicide. I know I’ve harped about this in previous posts, but I don’t know why we’re seeing more and more of these cases each week? Unfortunately there are so many things that cause us, yes I did say us as I’m one who has attempted before. Because of all the pressures, challenges, uncertainties, bigotry, road blocks, stereo typing and of course the plain old a**es in this world, suicide seems like an easy fix to a complex existence.

Sadder yet is the latest news stories that chronicle suicides of two really young teens. One involving a persons whose parents were so in denial that they isolated their child to what amounts to solitary confinement, complete isolation from the rest of the world. To compound this poor souls plight, they were forced to deal with “therapists” whose sole purpose was to fix them of their gender “confusion”!!

But whether the media is just focusing on the plight of transgender people, whether there’s actually an increase in the number of suicides happening or just the added stress of the holidays increasing the number of suicides, there is no denying that there is a problem with this world when 41% of a minority population thinks suicide is a solution.

And even this late in the game for me, there’s still enough stress, probably enough to kill a rhino, where the thoughts of easing the pain are not that far off. Ugh, I made the mistake of talking to my therapist the other day and a routine question was asked of me….”have you had any thoughts of suicide lately”? And my answer..”not really”. Which opened the door for the response I got “not really or not at all”? And I had to admit to myself and the therapist that I couldn’t say “not at all”. Needless to say I have more frequent appointments scheduled for the next couple months.

This may seem like a pointless post, some may even think all my posts are pointless, but the point is this…not only does it suck being transgender, but it’s hazardous to your health if you are transgender!! If you follow my blog because you are transgender yourself, get a good therapist immediately, they may end up saving your life! If your an ally and you see signs of suicide in a friend or loved one, offer support don’t dismiss the signs. Oh and don’t try to be the therapist and fix things, encourage resources, like the local crisis prevention hotline. And to those that choose to harbor ill feelings, resentment or bigotry, well maybe just try accepting people for who they are and follow the teaching of Jesus and don’t Judge us.

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My Children and Me.

Ok, this is going to be a most difficult post for me and I’m going to try to get through this with as few tears as possible. That said I have my box of Kleenex right in front of me just in case.

So to start with let me remind folks that there are a number of events that cause a transgender person to go through what I call crisis moments. The first, when you realize something’s wrong with you and you further realize what you have to go through to fix it. Specifically, if that choice is to transition your gender. The next crisis event is when it’s time to tell others or just find help. The next crisis event is rather long and difficult and that is the actual transition itself. The next one I’m finding now is when you go through all this stuff and you have a family with kids.

So for the past year now I’ve sorta been on my own, sorta being the key operative word. Sorta because I still have to take care of the family finances and work, work and more work. I get to be involved with some of the decisions, but not all. But my time with my kids can be scarce and when I have time with them, there are a lot of questions that are hard to answer. And the questions are not so much about me in particular, to an extent they are getting use to me the way I am I guess. I love my kids so much and it kills me not being able to be there every day for them. And my kids, who are 5 and 9, are more concerned with why I’m not with them all the time.

Till now I’ve sorta of blamed it all on work. But yesterday I was with my youngest daughter having a great time when she asked “why I had to leave her and why I couldn’t just stay with her”. It took everything I had to keep a straight face. And this my friends is my next crisis moment, this moment when I realize that there’s not much I can do about that and eventually I’ll have to tell her that I can’t be around that often, that I’m going to miss a lot of her growing up! And quit frankly this part sucks probably the worse of everything I’ve gone through. And further if some unfortunate soul were to be to close to me an utter the phrase “that I choose this”, I won’t be responsible for my actions!!

I’m not sure if it’s hormones or what, but I’m closer to my kids than I ever have been in my life. The thought of not being with them is sorta like ripping my heart out. Hopefully, I’ll have a good lawyer in the future and get decent visitation rights, hopefully!

In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy every moment I can with my kids and probably try to not think about what is to come. I guess I’m putting this out there for those who follow my blog because they are going through this. It’s something that I think everyone needs to be aware of and prepared for. Courts are not to kind to those that father kids and they sure as heck aren’t kind to transgender folks.

So there you have it the crisis yet to come I guess!!

Things to Look Forward in the New Year

Hohoho and Happy Holidays to everyone out there!! Well it’s been a bit of time since last we spoke. And as is the norm in my life, a boat load of things always happen since last we spoke.

Of coarse the biggest one is getting ready for the holidays and stuff! Yeah, oh, wait, yeah there’s not to much money these days so there not as much getting ready to be done. Although I’ve come up with a great hand made present for all the girls in my family, and no it’s not cheap, it just takes about 8 to 12 hours to make each of these presents! So, if any of my sisters, nieces or anyone else out there, I hope you like it!!

Another big item coming up, I’m phasing out of my second job!! Woot-woot!! And again don’t get me wrong, I really love my second job, but I need to focus on my career and to do that, well I need time to work on my school work. And yes that’s right, I’m going back to school to get my masters in business!!! But, I’m going to continue to do some PRN work at my second job just to help out some.

Let’s see, last week was my birthday, thank you very much!! 39………. Lol! And with that date my new birth certificate was issues by the Garden State (that’s Jersey for those no geographically savvy)!! So, I’m now official female as recognized by my great birth state!! Again, woot-woot!! Now, just a couple hundred more places to update my records and I’ll be golden???….

As for me personally, well I’m managing through the days now. I’m still having some really low days but more and more of the great days where I’m getting more and more confident with myself. I’m trying to psych myself up and get into some better fitness routines, again the reason yo work less hours.

So, all in all, things are getting better! I know there’s going to be a lot of the rough days to come, but as long as I can see that end of the tunnel, I’m going to keep moving toward it! Until next time my friends, keep you chin up and have a merry Christmas!! Oh, also, for those of you out there that have no one to talk to during the holidays, feel free to drop me a message to talk! No one should be alone during the holidays! Peace out folks!!!