Ladies and gentleman, it’s been 9 months since last I wrote to this blog. OMG so much has gone on in these past nine months. I’m going to be honest, I really had not intentions of writing more to the blog. I felt there was not much I had to say that people would care to read about. Well I changed my mind so we’ll see how this goes. The major reason for this change of heart was well, someone I’ve met and whose opinion I’ve come to value. She seems to think there might be value to chronicling this JOURNEY further. Yeah I know, there’s that word again, journey! I still feel this word is wrong but also sorta right.
So let’s see what is in my mind today. Well I’m going to describe something that many people like me ultimately search for, being stealth. Stealth is a term, and a goal, to change ourselves enough so that we fit in to the societal expectation of what is male or female. In a way this stealth is a wrong word, because it tends to denote to some that something is fake. To me it means to just be someone who doesn’t stand out, who can live her life without fear of people pointing, talking or laughing. To carry on a conversation with others without my past being the conversation. Lol, I’ve come to realize that this is almost a completely hopeless cause!! Why? Well it’s almost impossible, impossible to loose your past no matter how hard you try. There’s always someone that wants to drag that past out and wave it for the world to see. And why is that? Damn, the hell if I know!! Well maybe that’s not so true, I have an idea. If we go back to this bathroom crap (lol, bathroom crap, pun!) going around, there’s an example to be had.
Amongst all the uproar everyone’s afraid! Afraid of what? Well afraid of the unknown, things that are different or things|people that don’t agree with the status quo! You take your pick, my guess is all three are the reason. More importantly there are those that use these fears for political reasons, “hi Ted Cruz”!! They have no legitimate platforms to stand on besides the old tired rhetoric of the Reagan era. So to gain the power they need they play on people’s fears. Build it into an uproar and presto you get political power. Sorta like Hitler building on the fear of the Jews in the 1940’s!
What’s this got to do with me? Well right now my life is pretty stealthy, yes not invisible but most people don’t bat an eye when they see me. Likewise when I use a bathroom no one really wonders what’s in my pants or chromosomes. But in this climate today I do worry! What if someone does recognize me and blurts it out to the world, what will happen to me? This became more of a concern recently as a friend of a friend was beaten by someone because they had short hair. They thought she was transgender so took it upon himself to beat this person for looking different. Suddenly stealth is something I and others that don’t conform to rigid gender norms have to worry about. Unfortunately, so much so that some are even arming themselves for their own protection!
This weekend I had to have a talk with my seven year old grandson who said he was confused and upset with me. Confused because a teacher in his school said I was still a man and would always be such. To my seven year old grandson I had to reexplain that somepeople, including teachers, don’t always know what is true. I had to try to regain my grandsons trust that I still loved him and that just because I was a girl didn’t change that fact. And believe me, trying to explain the difference between a man and a woman to a seven year old is not easy. Suffice it to say the best I could come up with was girls are lumpy and we have to sit down to use the restroom, hey don’t judge you try figuring a g rated way to explain this on the fly. In the end, well it hasn’t ended yet! It will take a lot to undue the damage that one stupid ass teacher instilled into my grandson and an entire class room of 7 year olds. Funny how much damage a bully pulpit can cause.
The last instance I’ve found stealth to be impossible is in the dating world. So I’m venturing out into meeting people, after all I ultimately want to find my better half if she is out there. And oops, let me preface this by saying, please remember sexual preference and gender identity are two different things.
Anyway, when I meet someone I’m always wondering will my past make me undatable. Luckily, this hasn’t been the case! I’ve met some really amazing people, especially one person now. But at some point in time after I meet someone, I have to have the talk! The talk sucks so much! Some say I shouldn’t need to disclose my past but unfortunately, if I’m going to trust someone, they need to be able to trust me and all of me including my past.
I guess to sum all this up, no matter how much I or anyone else tries, living stealth never lasts forever. But as I said before, I’m sorta lucky that I sorta fit in. But what of those that aren’t so lucky? What happens to them? I wish I knew the answer. Who knows maybe one day people will wake up to the fact that people are people. Sadly, I don’t see that day coming soon.
Well folks, I’m not sure if this will be worth your read or not? Hopefully it will be worthy of some people’s time. But in any event thanks to Fran for putting up with me!