Life Gets Intense

I keep starting out these post with “it’s been a while” and this time it’s been a long while.  Life is moving quickly for me now, sometimes so fast I think I’m going to get sick.  

My last post was about my divorce starting and it continues to this day at a snails pace.  I’m not to happy, as I really want to get this chapter of my life over and move on I guess.  I’ve unfortunately had some other dramatic events that have or is hitting me hard right now.

The biggest one is the hardest to even talk about to this day.  My dad passed away, now about a month ago.  It’s was the hardest time of my life so far, starting with a frantic call in the middle of the night to come to the hospital quickly.  A week later we had to say good bye to my dad.   It’s was hard doing this for so many reasons.  Growing up I didn’t always see eye to eye with him, but he protected us, taught us so much and showed us how to work our asses off to get ahead!!  A month later I was in the kitchen and saw the remains of the flowers from his funeral, I just lost it.  A month since I’ve heard him talk with me on our weekly call home.  A month since he asked me how’s work, how’s the kids.  Over a four or five year period before his death, he battled that damn Alzheimer’s disease.  I watched my dad go from a self sufficient, I can do anything man, to a person who struggle to remember the basic things.  He grew so frustrated because he remembered how much he could do before but but he just couldn’t remember how to do those things anymore.  The one bright spot to my recent memories of him, was the last real conversation we had before he really started forgetting things.  That conversation was about what all I was going through and I remember I was so afraid.  I guess I was most afraid that he would reject me or that I would disappoint him.  But what he said was that if I had to go through my changes to make me happy, then I needed to do it.  Although he didn’t say he would still love me, I saw him cry for only the second time in my life.  That conversation is the moment I will always remember and hold on to for the rest of my life.  I expect that I will always have this empty spot in my life, when I really need to here him tell me what to do, I’ll have to just think of what he would have said if he were still here.

I’ll catch everyone up on another event that will be changing my life and marking another mile stone in my starting over.  Till later, just remember, when life hands you a lemon…throw it a someone…forget about lemonade!!!

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